Swine flu. Run for my life!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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