Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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