Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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