woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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