I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
