Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
