Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
