My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is Oprah even human
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
