I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
