We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dear god my vagina.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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