You surviving the open bar?
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In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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