You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
