the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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