You smell like a Billy Joel song
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
