last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize