we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
