I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
