I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
