Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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