Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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