we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
