OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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