tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
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