she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
