Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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