just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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