I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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