you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
