I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
