i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
