I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
