You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
