If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
