Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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