I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
