Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
