I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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