pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
