I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
