Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
