i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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