last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
