i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
