my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
