i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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