i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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