Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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