who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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