Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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