gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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