i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just pee around me
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
