Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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