I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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