My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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