If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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