so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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