I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
