he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I am available for nakedness
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