Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize