so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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