Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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