you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
