After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
