Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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