im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
