I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
